Grief: Part 2 (Blame Culture)

T.W. Death and Dying.

Since my Dad died, I feel a strong desire to apologize to every client I ever worked with before Dad died. I didn’t know then what I know now. Here’s something I have experienced and learned— we are in a grief-averse culture.

There are several strategies of avoiding grief— even from witnessing other’s grief. One is coined, “blame culture.” It sounds like…

“He had a heart attack because he was fat.”

“She lost the pregnancy because she didn’t really want the baby.”

“They just needed to face their unresolved trauma.”

“They couldn’t handle the pain, that’s why they had a cesarean.”

We’ve witnessed this Victim- Blaming strategy time and again used by Oppressive Systems and people. Like…

“If she didn’t want to get pregnant, she should have used a condom.” (note the ‘she’ pronoun is often used in this sentence)

“He shouldn’t have resisted arrest.”

“They shouldn’t have worn a short skirt.”

“She didn’t even look like she was in pain so of course the nurse didn’t take her seriously.”

“He shouldn’t have disobeyed me.”

These comments close off empathy and compassion. They put up walls between our connections. They uphold violence and Hierarchical Oppressive Systems. They give a false sense of control to the person saying it. And they really identify the real disease which is avoidance of grief and lack of empathy.

Blame Culture’s strategy sounds like— If I blame you for your grief, loss and pain, then I don’t have to acknowledge the fragility of human life.

Sometimes, we lose what and who we love. And it doesn’t make sense.

Grief isn’t bad. It isn’t something wrong that you are doing or experiencing. It doesn’t have a nicely organized “5 stages.” It’s f*king painful, and it doesn’t “go away.” It’s nothing to “get over.” You don’t need to grow from it. It takes way longer than 6 months, which according to DMS is a disorder. It’s been 6 months since Dad died, and my body STILL needs regularly reminders that I am alive and here. I still feel my chest is tight. Going to work often feels challenging— in fact, I really feel I should have had a paid year off of working entirely just to support my grieving process. But we live in a culture that pathologizes grief.

Grief is a natural response to heart break and loss. It is love in it’s most raw, wild, untamed, painful form.

There’s a part of our brain that tries to make meaning out of our experiences. Evolutionarily, this is to help us identify and avoid danger. But in some cases, there is no way to make sense out of loss. So we need to learn how to comfort that meaning-hungry part of ourselves without minimizing, rationalizing, bipassing, and victim-blaming.

There’s nothing I did or didn’t do to “deserve” my Dad dying. And I truly believe there was nothing he did. He would have told you that his Lord called for him. But the Christian theology has never brought me comfort the way it has for my parents. In fact, I have experienced lots of Blame Culture in religion.

Please watch out for this victim-blaming strategy in the reproductive, pregnancy, fertility, birthing, and parenting world. All it does is make people feel isolated with their grief.

Blame Culture phrases that I have heard:

“Did you do xyz while you were pregnant? That’s what I did to keep my pregnancy.”

“Maybe you aren’t producing enough milk because you waited to bottle feed.”

“Why are you still processing your birth? Your baby is a healthy 1 year old!”

“Maybe you were with the wrong guy. You just need to find a better match!”

“You just need to be strong.”

“This is all happening for a reason/your greater good.”

YUCKY. All of these imply that your grief is your fault. It’s not true and it’s not helpful.

What to say to someone who is sharing their grief with you:

“That sounds so painful. I’m here and your grief is welcome here too.”

“I want to be here and support you in your grief. Here’s some ways I’ve thought of that might be supportive to you…”

“I’m wondering how I can really make sure you feel that I am here for you and your grief. Would you like me to listen or a hug?”

“I just want to remind you that your grief makes sense and is important.”

“I want you to know that your grief isn’t too much for me and you don’t have to take care of me as I witness your grief.”

“I’m here for you and your grief, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m noticing I am wanting to ‘problem-solve,’ and try to take this pain away for you, but I know I can’t. Instead, I just want you to feel that I am here and I love you.”

I will model this language to you as I am with you and you may notice how it opens the space between us for true healing. The healing isn’t to “make the grief go away.” In fact, it is the opposite. It is to welcome it. And ultimately to integrate it.

The Grace I was before Dad died is not the Grace you are witnessing now. I don’t feel I am better or worse— Just different. And that makes sense. I am still whole and Loved and capable.

To Grace before Dad died: I don’t blame you for not knowing about grief to this depth. In fact, I wouldn’t have wished this on you. Your grieving process is complex and layered— and that makes sense since you and Dad had a complicated relationship. Take your time with grief. There’s no “right way” to do it. I’m here for it and it’s not too much for me. You don't have to be strong or anything, but I do really honor your courage in feeling the grief as it travels with you and moves in you.

To Dad: I’m pretty disappointed that you used Victim Blaming a lot with me and around me. I learned about empathy, compassion, and equity&equality without and in-spite of you. I don’t blame you for dying. And I hope your soul is free from the restraints you placed on yourself and others while you were earthside. Love you.